Ask Dan Question & Answer

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Question #100:
Dear Abby (Dan and Jay): I'm in a bind and need some advice. Our neighbor got cut from the team that we were on the year before last and called our present coach to inquire about tryouts. Our coach called me tonight to ask if I knew them and what I thought about them

The problem is that I do know them (all too well) and it would be unbearable to be with them all year long! We have an okay relationship, but they're Elsie Peas (LCPPs = Loud, Critical, Pushy Parents) plus some other stuff that I won't go into. It would be HORRIBLE to be with them all year long, probably sharing rides when schedule conflicts arise, etc. They're way too into hockey, brag about their kid, say demeaning things about kids and parents, etc. They really aren't nice folks.

I don't want to bad mouth/slander them to our coach, but I want to convey "NO!" in the strongest sense to him about them. What do I say to him? If I say what I want to and the kid makes the team, then they will find out I've bad mouthed them. The player is a decent skater and I have nothing against him on or off the ice. It's his parents and their snide, self-centered, overly competitive attitude that will not sit well with the other parents. L.P.

Dan Replies:
From Jay: If the coached called and asked you for your advice:

a) He must think you're a person of judgment and integrity and he values your opinion or he wouldn't have asked you for it.

b) I think you should tell him the truth as straight forwardly as you can - that is if he's right about you in a) above.

You might say, "If the parents were as nice as the kid is, having to take the parents in the bargain might be bearable but when I think of the parents words like "boorish", "self-aggrandizing", "over-bearing", "pompous", and "niggling" come to mind. They have a nice kid though. I wonder why they would be leaving a better team to come to ours?"

If you're ever confronted by these parents as what you said, you can say that when you gave them a recommendation "all their best traits came to mind", if you can keep a straight face.

If he didn't ask for your advice and you went to him about the family and said the same things, THAT would be bad mouthing (not slander if it's the truth).

You don't really want to sacrifice your integrety for these parents, do you? You quoted the Bible in your question. If you want an example from the Scriptures - look up the the 12 spies of Israel. Be a Caleb. Your Moses is counting on you.

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