Dan Replies:
Dear H.C.: You're right, this is a bigger problem than not being able to have an ice rink in your back yard.
First, it's important to realize that the world and humans aren't perfect. People make mistakes. Perhaps this coaches' behavior, although never acceptable, was not typical for him. We might not know what kind of pressure other people have in their lives that may make them snap and make mistakes or do things - sometimes unspeakable things - they would otherwise never do. Perhaps this is the case with your coach - in which case maybe we should have some understanding and forgive him if he accepts responsibility for his actions and apologizes.
If this is behavior that happens on a regular basis, then other mistakes have been made. There is the mistake of allowing this person to coach young people and perhaps the mistake of deciding to play for him without checking out his behavior. Tryouts are as much to see of the coach is good enough for you as it is to see if you are good enough to play for this team.
In any case, this behavior is unacceptable, but handling it is something best left to adults. Your parents should talk to other parents about the incident and first go to the coach as a group and seek an apology and assurances that this behavior will not happen again. They should insist a parent be on the bench and in the locker room to monitor his behavior.
If he apologizes, appears to be remorseful, promises it won't happen again, and accepts a parent monitor on the bench, perhaps the coach will have learned his lesson and can remain as a coach. If this was an uncharacteristic mistake and the coach is basically a good person, he will do anything to set things right including accepting the parents' conditions.
If he does not accept responsibility for his behavior - he must either be replaced by someone who is approved by your parents and the other parents, or you have no choice but to take yourself away from the sphere of influence of this evil man.
What about your career if you have to leave the team? You say you have our book. Read the chapter entitled "What If My Parents Won't Let Me Play AAA Travel". If you do the things we suggest in that chapter, your career may even be enhanced by this incident.
For sure, no young persons' life is affected positively by associating with evil people. I hope you will learn from this incident. For example - remember this incident when you are a coach and how important it is to be a good example in young people's lives. Remember that youth sports are not about winning or losing - but about teaching and learning life lessons. If you do learn from it, some good will come out of this incident. If my father encountered a person who consistently behaved like your coach, he would say, "Everyone has a purpose in life, even if only to serve as a bad example." That's not a terribly nice way to be remembered so I hope your coach demonstrates that this was an uncharacteristic mistake and he learns from his mistake as well.
If he doesn't, leave him. Don't walk, run.
We received this comment from a AA coach in Canada:
Dan,
Regarding your answer to the parent in Q #117, I think that you missed one thing, altho I really liked your answer, especially the evil man part - people like that are evil. Not Hitler evil, but evil none the less.
The Hockey Board for their Association should be notified in writing about the incident, even if just to tell them - not to have him brought in (ask for it to be kept confidential at this point and tell the board that the parents are attempting to deal with it). This way, if he ever is brought before the Board's Discipline Committee, there is a paper trail. Usually what happens is nobody reports anything until it is unbearable, they go to the board, and this is the first report the board has. They tell him to shape up, and life goes on... as it was.
People are afraid to tattle in case it hurts their kid's chances. If there are 3 sets of parent's signatures on the letter, no one will be blacklisted.
Ed Labine
