Ask Dan Question & Answer

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Question #121:
Dear Dan. My son had a very disappointing year playing travel hockey because he mostly sat the bench. As he became more and more frustrated, we confronted the coach. It was not pretty. We decided to move our son down to the house team since he wasn't getting playing time like other players. This year my son decided to play House Leagues. He's had a wonderful year - averages 3 goals a game. Recently we played a team that was not that good and the coach put what is normally our third line in first. Even so the score wound up 17-0. I was very upset that my son sat out of the game for several shifts. I thought because this was house leagues he would be going out every 3rd shift and that was fine with him but it was more like he went out every 6th shift. We need some advice on how would you handle this. I hate to see a terrific year ruined but I feel that some of the other parents are jealous of my son. By the way some kids played every 2nd shift during that game. Frustrated Hockey Mom.

Dan Replies:
Dear Hockey Mom: It appears from your responses that the coach realized the game was going to turn into a whitewash and to have added the considerable talents of your son on a regular basis would have only served to further demonstrate the other team's inadequacy, even if your son didn't try to score. If that's the case, I commend your coach. Not to play your son every third shift is not politics - it's kindness and being appropriately sensitive. A team that gets beat 17-0 isn't having any fun and neither is the team that's winning. Further, your son has had the fun of scoring 38 goals in 14 games. By playing some of the other kids a bit more in this 17-0 game passes the fun and joy of accomplishment - the reason kids play games - around to other kids. And I would have taken it as a badge of honor to have sat a shift or two because I'm too good and frankly, I haven't had that feeling for a long time.

Your parental responsibility is to provide for his upbringing and education. His responsibility is to have fun and do the best he can. Encourage him to be the best he can and be the kind of person you hope he becomes. Don't worry about the scores of the games he plays or the number of shifts he plays or the times he has to be "It" in "Kick the Can". Be worried about turning this experience in to a life lesson, i.e. Einstein said "Not everything that can be counted (shifts or goals) counts and not everything that counts (kindness, understanding) can be counted."

We hope your son becomes all that you hoped for when your first held him, which we suspect was not a good hockey player. Enjoy being the mother of a goal scoring hockey player and teach life lessons; don't try to control the detalis of his play.

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